Blogs from an Executive MBA: How to discuss what matters most

In the Executive MBA, we’ve been given a wide range of reading from thick, heavy accounting and finance books to regular penguin-sized books for management praxis and management science. The smaller books are shorter and easier reads on the one hand but tackle some tough subjects. One of these is ‘Difficult Conversations’ of the Harvard Negotiation Project. At a first glance, this looks like a light read and I wasn’t impressed with the first couple of chapters but as I read on and faced a difficult conversation myself - I quickly realised that this book punches high above its weight!

And I realised how much I avoid difficult conversations! But in reading the book I realised that these conversations are so important. They help us move past misunderstandings and resentment towards open, mature relationships. And, yes, they are difficult and make us feel uncomfortable and anxious but by working through issues with work colleagues, friends, family, etc. we can create even better relationships and greatly improve our professional and personal lives.

Are there any difficult conversations that you have been avoiding? Are there any colleagues, friends, or family that you wish you had a better relationship with? Our challenge to you is to have one of these conversations.

This checklist, which can be found in more detail in Difficult Conversations, will guide you through:

1. Prepare by clearly understanding what happened, understand the emotions that are there, and ground your identity. What was the situation that you need to have the difficult conversation about? How did each of you contribute to the problem? What underlying emotions do you have about the situation? Is your identity wrapped up in the problem?
2. Decide whether you want to raise the issue. What are you hoping to accomplish? Is a conversation the best way to address the issue?
3. Frame the conversation from the perspective of a third party. There are two different viewpoints  - state these - and then invite them to partner with you to sort out the situation.
4. Explore both stories. Listen to understand their story and share your own story. One of the most important things to do is actively listen. Listen to their story and try to understand their perspective. Make sure that your story is heard too as your feelings and perspective is just as important as theirs. And keep on track - steer away from accusations and instead towards how you both feel. This is not about apportioning blame.
5. Focus on problem-solving. Move from the difficult conversation to solutions. What solutions would a third party suggest?